Armabloggen [5/?]
(see previous post for…previous posts)
“Aren’t any of you demons?” Buffy asked.
Xander pointed at the gnarly creature passed out on the floor. “He looks like a demon.”
“He’s my tactical officer,” said one of the men in red pajamas, striking an indignant pose.
“He’s my tactical officer,” said the woman with the scrunchy nose and the name that sounded like one of those diseases Xander came home with after a particularly bad episode.
“He is a Klingon,” the starving woman with the pointy ears explained.
“Don’t mind Worf,” said the woman who’d come in just as Lori had left. “He always acts that way. I’m Beverly, by the way.”
“I’m Buffy. But I still don’t understand who you people are.”
“I’m Chief Medical Officer of the starship Enterprise.”
Xander snorted. “Right, and I’m Mr. Spock.”
“Hey! Dr. Phlox is our CMO,” drawled the man who’d been running around with a pecan pie. Now he was eating it.
Kira Nerys shook her head. “Please keep the Temporal Prime Directive in mind, people.”
“There is no Temporal Prime Directive,” T’Pol argued.
“It applies retroactively,” Kira lied.
“Will?” The annoying man in red looked up at Buffy. “Uh, Willow…” Buffy poked the redhead, distracting her from her admiration of Kira’s earrings. “Geekiness is your area - can you tell us if these people are really Star Trek characters?”
“Well, I was a Voyager girl myself, back when they were on the air - ship of the Valkyries and all that, you know. So I can vouch for Seven of Nine over there.” Willow smiled shyly at the Borg.
The man with leaves in his hair cleared his throat. No one paid any attention, so he added, “I’m also from Voyager.”
Willow dragged her eyes away from Seven’s implants and tried to focus on the large, pajama-clad man. “Sorry, I don’t remember you. I missed part of second season…”
“I’m the first officer!” the leafy man insisted.
“Were you?” Willow replied. “I thought the Vulcan was first officer.”
“I was captain of the Maquis ship!”
“You mean Seska wasn’t the head of the Maquis? I liked Seska…until she turned evil, of course,” Willow added, glancing at Buffy nervously.
“I…”
“Anyway,” Willow interrupted, “if you’re from Voyager, where are Captain Janeway and B’Elanna Torres? I’m sure they could settle this war right away.”
“Is Captain Janeway a good mediator?” T’Pol asked.
“Mediator?” Willow laughed. “Janeway would blow Lori halfway across the Delta Quadrant just for looking at her funny, and B’Elanna would slice Seema into tiny little bits with her bat’leth - because you know, Seema is just two letters away from Seska, and Seska was bad.” She glanced at Buffy again.
The Slayer took the opportunity to cut to the chase. “Ok, assuming you’re all from Star Trek, how did you get involved in the Blog Apocalypse?”
“Do you mean the Blog War?” Kira asked.
“Whatever.” Buffy twirled her stake, waiting for an answer.
Kira cleared her throat. With Worf unconscious, security was at a low ebb, and that stake looked awfully pointy. “We’ve all gathered here to negotiate a peaceful settlement of the blog war. Although with Lori claiming there never was a war–”
Spike crushed out the cig he’d been smoking. “Ok, mates, there’s your first mistake.”
“What do you mean?” Riker asked, puffing out his chest.
“I mean there’s your first mistake - trying to settle things peacefully,” Spike said. “That’s why all you blokes are off the air–”
“We’re still on the air,” T’Pol interrupted. Tucker mumbled agreement around a mouthful of pecan pie.
“Give it a few months,” Spike replied dismissively. “You were always trying to play nice with the bad guys. Negotiate. Compromise. Very bad idea. Like that whole treaty with the Cardassians - look how that blew up in your faces.”
“Hey, Captain Picard negotiated that treaty,” Riker said.
“My point exactly.” Spike lit another cigarette, and continued his argument. “Do you want to know why we get the ratings, the Emmys, and the big, big bucks?”
“Yes,” Seven of Nine said.
“How big?” Riker asked.
“You don’t want to know,” Xander told him sotto voce.
“Because,” Spike said, “we kill the bad guys. Buffy here stakes them right through the heart.” Buffy made a demonstrative staking motion, and several pajama-clad people backed away. “That’s what you people need,” Spike explained, “stakes, crossbows and throwing knives. No negotiating. No more wanking around.”
“That’s all it takes?” Beverly asked.
“Well, that and the occasional apocalypse,” Willow said. “Lucky for you, we brought our own. One Blog Apocalypse, coming up. I’ll just replicate some stakes, and you’ll be ready when Lori and Seema come back in.”
“We could certainly use the ratings,” Tucker said.