The Sound of Borgness
Here’s a draft of The Sound of Borgness. The final version will be posted this weekend at the URL indicated and ASC. The first two filks aren’t my best work, but don’t let them discourage you. It only gets funnier as you go along. Headers are here, the whole shebang is in the full entry.
Title: The Sound of Borgness
Author: Jemima
Contact: webmaster of jemimap.cjb.net
Series: VOY
Rating: PG for implied monkey sex
Codes: C/7, Icheb/Naomi, Mezoti, Azan, Rebi, Borg baby, filk
Summary: Filk of the musical “The Sound of Music”,
starring Seven of Nine as Fraulein Maria.
Archive: ASC only, but feel free to link to
http://jemimap.ficml.org/voy/filk/borgness.html
Disclaimer: This parody of Rogers and Hammerstein musical “The Sound
of Music” is protected as such by the copyright laws of
the United States of America.
Notes: Azan and Rebi were the Borg boys, Mezoti was the girl.
Thanks to T’Other Liz, KC, Kelly, and Seema for rhymes and
adjectives, one-syllable nouns, and kiss-off idioms.
The monkey sex is all Seema’s fault.
Date: January, 2004
Cast of characters:
Maria - Seven of Nine
Captain von Trapp - Chakotay
Mother Abbess - Borg Queen / Neelix
Nuns - drones
Rolf - Icheb
Liesl - Naomi
The Children - the Borg children (Icheb, Mezoti, Azan, Rebi, Borg baby)
Non-singing roles, for reference:
The Baroness - Janeway
Uncle Max - Tuvok
List of filks:
The Sound of Borgness (The Sound of Music)
Drone Seven (Maria)
Borg Perfection (I Have Confidence In Me)
Our Favorite Things (My Favorite Things)
“I” Not “We” (Do-Re-Mi)
Sixish Looking Elevenish (Sixteen Going on Seventeen)
The Lonely XO (The Lonely Goatherd)
So Long, Bug Off (So Long, Farewell)
Play Ev’ry Organ (Climb Ev’ry Mountain)
Something Tight (Something Good)
Voyager (Edelweiss)
Filk: The Sound of Borgness
Original: The Sound of Music
Codes: 7, pre-Scorpion
Date: August 2002, January 29, 2004
The Borg are a race
Of sublime perfection
Of drones we have freed
From a thousand worlds
The Borg fill this drone
With sublime perfection
This drone is a part of a greater whole
This drone is a cog on the rim
Of a wheel that drives every sphere
Through the sky.
This drone wants to hear
Tones pristine and clear
And to know ev'ry *why*,
To think like the Queen when her mind directs
Countless cubes in array,
To touch in the night,
Every star that we pass on our way.
Once you join the Borg
You will not be lonely.
The sights you will see
None have seen before.
Each drone will been blessed
With sublime perfection
When you join our corps.
Filk: Drone Seven
Original: (How Do You Solve a Problem Like) Maria
Codes: Borg Queen, drones, pre-Scorpion
Date: August 26, 2002
Two of Nine:
She rushes round
With such a sound -
She never takes the stair.
Three of Nine:
She leaks when she assimilates
And all the new drones stare.
Two of Nine:
And underneath her armor
She has mammaries to spare!
Three of Nine:
Drone Seven doesn't fit in the Collective.
Two of Nine:
She's early for her duties,
Four of Nine:
But she does them like a drone.
Two of Nine:
She leaves us still regenerating
And does our work alone.
Borg Queen:
It's time to put Our foot down -
All the evidence has shown
Two and Three of Nine:
Drone Seven doesn't fit in the Collective.
Four of Nine:
We could have ended like the other five;
But Seven saved our lives!
Three of Nine:
How do you solve a problem like drone Seven?
Borg Queen:
How do you reassimilate a drone?
Four of Nine:
How do you find a role that fits drone Seven?
Two of Nine:
A manifold scrubber!
Three of Nine:
A sonambulist!
Four of Nine:
A Queen!
Borg Queen:
Many a thing she feels she ought to tell you,
Many a thing she tries to organize...
Four of Nine:
But how can you make her stay
And do it proper Borg way?
Borg Queen:
How do you cut her ego down to size?
Four of Nine:
Oh, how do you solve a problem like drone Seven?
Borg Queen:
What can you tell a drone who thinks she's wise?
Four of Nine:
When I'm with her I'm unused
Out of contact and bemused,
Yet she makes me proud to think that I am Borg.
Three of Nine:
Unpredictable as humans,
Independent like her parents.
Four of Nine:
She's a good drone,
Two of Nine:
She's a misfit.
Four of Nine:
She is Borg.
Three of Nine:
She'd out-pester any pest,
Drive a Horta from her nest,
Two of Nine:
She could throw an old Hirogen
Off the trail.
Four of Nine:
She's efficient,
She's precise,
Three of Nine:
She's a nuisance.
Four of Nine:
She's all right.
Two of Nine:
She's a rebel!
Four of Nine:
She's perfection!
Borg Queen:
She's a girl.
All:
How do you solve a problem like drone Seven?
How do you reassimilate a drone?
How do you find a role that fits drone Seven?
A manifold scrubber!
A sonambulist!
A Queen!
Many a thing she feels she ought to tell you,
Many a thing she tries to organize...
But how can you make her stay
And do it the proper Borg way?
How do you cut her ego down to size?
Oh, how do you solve a problem like drone Seven?
What can you tell a drone who thinks she's wise?
Filk: Borg Perfection
Original: I Have Confidence In Me
Codes: 7
Date: January 30, 2004
Episode: Scorpion
What is this species like?
These humans...
How's their efficiency?
These humans...
Highly disorienting
To converse one-on-one
With the weak -
Collective assimilation
Would be the correct technique.
The Borg found a space fluidic
That no one else had ever dared
Out came a species fluidic
But we were unprepared.
A captain of many humans,
Thinking in such small terms.
So individual
Inefficient,
Wanting to find a way through Borg space...
But she has technology we're seeking.
We are seeking a weapon we lack.
A nanoprobe weapon, human science,
Fix our mistakes with an alliance.
Give them a mouthpiece,
Get their compliance,
Then get them!
So, let them bring on all their theories,
Borg think better than the weak
Borg perfection gets
The weapon that we seek!
Then we'll make them see
Borg perfection constantly.
Sternly I will address them.
I will be strong and clear,
And all these humans,
(Assimilate them!)
They will adapt, comply
This "ally"!
Now we know that we'll defeat them,
Species 8472.
Borg perfection wins,
Assimilation time!
Time to make them see
Borg perfection constantly.
Borg perfection is collective,
Borg perfection is our gift.
Borg perfection is the future for you all!
And then you will see
Borg perfection constantly.
Power resides in numbers.
Power resides in tech,
Power in cubes and unimatrix,
Once you're all drones, you'll see, we're happy!
One small drone left to the humans
One small drone abandoned here
Borg perfection was my ultimate frontier
Borg perfection was my ultimate frontier!
Back when I could see,
Borg perfection constantly!
Filk: Our Favorite Things
Original: My Favorite Things
Codes: 7
Date: January 29, 2004
Suns going nova
And unproven theses,
Carbon-based life-forms
Of new unknown species.
Tachyon particles
Made out of strings,
These are a few of our favorite things.
Heliopauses
To heliospheres,
Borg cubes transwarping
'Cross thousands of light-years,
Every new drone
And the knowledge it brings,
These are a few of our favorite things.
Kyrian starships with antigrav thrusters,
Omnicordata in galactic clusters,
J-class gas giants with sparkling rings -
These are a few of our favorite things.
When the Borg come
When the drone stings,
And you're feeling sad,
We'll help you remember our favorite things,
And then you won't feel so bad!
Filk: "I," Not "We"
Original: Do-Re-Mi
Codes: 7, Borg children
Date: August 2002, January 2004
Seven:
Let's start at the very beginning.
A very good place to start.
When you're Vulcan you have...
Mezoti:
IDIC.
Seven:
When you're human the pronoun's
"I" not "we".
Children:
We we we.
Seven:
"I" not "we".
The self-referent now has to be
"I" not "we".
Borg children:
"I" not "we"!
Seven:
I-me-mine-my-he-him-his!
[spoken]
No. I will attempt to make it easier.
[sung]
I, is me, is only me.
Me, the object of a verb.
Mine, a name I call my things.
My, possessive adjective
He, a male humanoid,
Him, the object for a guy,
His, both adjective and noun!
That returns us back to I-I-I!
Mezoti:
I!
Seven:
Is me, is only me.
Mezoti and Icheb:
Me!
Seven:
The object of a verb!
Twins:
Mine!
Seven
The name I call my things.
Borg children:
My!
Seven
Possessive adjective!
All:
He, a male humanoid,
Him, the object for a guy,
His, both adjective and noun!
That returns us back to I-I-I!
Borg children:
Is me, is only me.
Me, the object of a verb.
Mine, a name I call my things.
My, possessive adjective!
All:
He, a male humanoid,
Him, the object for a guy,
His, both adjective and noun!
Seven:
That returns us back to I!
I-me-mine-my-he-him-his-I!
Just I!
Filk: Sixish Looking Elevenish
Original: Sixteen Going on Seventeen
Codes: Icheb/Naomi
Date: January 30, 2004
Note: The pylangium is a part of the amphibian heart.
Icheb:
You wait, K'tarian, in an empty room
For mom to turn the light off
Your ship, K'tarian, is a flying tomb
That Starfleet wants to write off
Naomi:
To write off...
Icheb:
You are sixish looking elevenish
Guard your pylangium
Time to grow up and think hard before you
Have an elogium
You are sixish looking elevenish
You are our rising star -
Frustrated ensigns, Vulcan midshipmen
Tell you about pon farr.
Totally unprepared are you
To face a ship of men
Skinny and short and horned are you
Oh wait until you're ten!
You need someone older and wiser
Telling you what to think,
I am fifteen going on sixteen
I'll even buy you drinks!
Naomi:
I am sixish looking elevenish
I know that I'm outsized
Guys like yourself may think that I'm twelve -
I need to be advised.
I am sixish looking elevenish
Innocent as a drone
Holodeck boyfriends, monkey sex weekends
Are a complete unknown.
Totally unprepared am I
To face a ship of men
Skinny and short and horned am I
I'll wait until I'm ten!
I need someone older and wiser
Telling me what to think,
You are fifteen going on sixteen
You'll buy me a drink!
Filk: The Lonely XO
Original: The Lonely Goatherd
Codes: 7, Borg children
Date: January 29, 2004
Seven:
Up on the bridge is a lonely XO
Le-o-la le-o-la le-o-la
Not much to do for the lonely XO
Le-o-la le-o-la-a
Crew on the decks that are far below go
Le-o-la le-o-la le-o-la
Hungry and tired of the same old chow go
Le-o-la le-o-la-a
Borg children:
O le-o-la le-o-la, o le-o-la o-la
O le-o-la le-o-la, le-o-la le-o-la
Seven:
Cook in the mess of a starship slow goes
Le-o-la le-o-la le-o-la
Icheb:
Tom in a bar with a holo-glow goes
Le-o-la le-o-la-a
Borg children:
Crew on repairs in the broken bow go
Le-o-la le-o-la le-o-la
Seven:
Doc playing golf like a sickbay pro goes
Le-o-la le-o-la-a
One former drone in a dress cut low goes,
Le-o-la le-o-la le-o-la
Mezoti:
She has her eye on the lonely XO
Le-o-la le-o-la-a
Seven:
Soon Cap'n Kate with her glare aglow goes,
Le-o-la le-o-la le--uh-oh
What an ado for a drone and XO
Seven and the Borg children:
Le-o-la le-o-la-a
Seven and the Borg children:
Ummm (ummm) ...
Le-o-la (le-o-la)
Le-o-la-a (le-o-la-a)
Le-o-la (le-o-la) ...
Child:
One former drone in a dress cut low goes,
Seven:
Le-o-la le-o-la le-o-la
Child:
She has her eye on the lonely XO
Seven:
Le-o-la le-o-la-a
Seven:
Soon Cap'n Kate with her glare aglow goes,
Le-o-la le-o-la le--uh-oh
What an ado for a drone and XO
Le-o-la le-o-la-a
Seven and the Borg children:
Handsome is he, le-o-la le-o-la...
Soon the XO will become her new beau
Seven:
Le-o-la le-o-la-a
Seven and the Borg children:
Le-o-la, le-o-la
Le-o-la-a, le-o-la
Le-o-la-a, le-o-la-a, le-o-la-a
Le-o-la, le-o-la
Borg children:
Leola!
Filk: So Long, Bug Off
Original: So Long, Farewell
Codes: Icheb, Mezoti, Azan, Rebi, Borg baby
Date: January 30, 2004
Episode: Imperfection
Borg children:
There's a redshirt a-waiting for to beam us away
'Cause our trip on this ship is through
And off in the nursery an unnoticed babe
Is crying out a mute "boo-hoo."
Mezoti and the twins:
Boo-hoo, boo-hoo
Borg children:
So suddenly they ditch us
Boo-hoo, boo-hoo
And here they come to pitch us
Boo-hoo, boo-hoo
And so we go...
Icheb:
Boo-hoo
Borg children:
...boo-hoo.
Icheb:
So long, bug off, I don't expect to write.
Azan:
I hate to go and miss your endless flight
Icheb:
So long, bug off, hey, who the heck are you?
Borg baby:
Boo-hoo, boo-hoo, boo-hoo, boo-hoo, boo-hoo
Borg children:
So long, bug off, remember to adapt.
Mezoti:
Watch out - I think that Seven's finally snapped
Icheb:
So long, bug off, remember to comply
Azan:
I'd like to stay and have a piece of pie - goodbye!
Rebi:
You all were nuts, and that you can't deny
Borg baby:
Boo-hoo, boo-hoo, why don't you hear me cry?
Mezoti:
The twins have got the shaft and so did I
Icheb:
So long, bug off, we leave you high and dry
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
Crew:
Goodbye!
Filk: Play Ev'ry Organ
Original: Climb Ev'ry Mountain
Codes: Neelix (to 7)
Date: January 30, 2004
Episode: Human Error
Play ev'ry organ
Sing high or low
Master every science
Everything you know
Play ev'ry organ
Cook any dish
Show off all your talents
Till you have your wish
A wish that requires
All the love he can give
Every day of his life
For as long as he lives
Play ev'ry organ
Cook any dish
Show off all your talents
Till you have your wish
A wish that requires
All the love he can give
Every day of his life
For as long as he lives
Play ev'ry organ
Cook any dish
Show off all your talents
Till... you... have... your... wish!
Filk: Something Tight
Original: Something Good
Codes: C/7
Date: January 30, 2004
Episode: Human Error
Seven:
Perhaps I could be less efficient,
Perhaps I could be more polite,
The first time in my heartless, pitiless life
I'm feeling a bit contrite.
For here you are, standing here, kissing me.
Though you're made out of light.
When chasing a Maquis commander,
I always wear something tight.
Something close to nothing
Something very sheer
When chasing a Maquis commander,
I always wear something tight.
Chakotay:
So here you are standing there loving me
Whether or not it's trite
Seven:
When chasing a Maquis commander,
I always wear something tight.
Both:
Something close to nothing
Something very sheer
Seven:
When chasing a Maquis...
Chakotay:
...commander
Seven:
I always wear something...
Both:
...something tight.
Filk: Voyager
Original: Edelweiss
Codes: (crew)
Date: October 26, 2003, January 29, 2004
Voyager...
Voyager...
Every Wednesday I'd see you
Sleek and bright, in a plight,
How I wished I could be you
Lost castaways
May you find your way,
Find your way to Terra...
Voyager...
Voyager...
Heading homeward to Terra...
Sleek and bright, in a plight,
How I wished I could be you
Lost castaways
May you find your way,
Find your way to Terra...
Voyager...
Voyager...
Heading homeward to Terra.