Speak Stiltedly and Wear a Yellow Shirt

Jemima’s Annotated Guide to the Blog Wars

(Note as of mid-January: the Guide has moved into the wiki. Check there for new skirmishes.)

Note: Since Seema still hasn’t republished her archives, the Seema links may be a little funky. Page up instead of down.

Armabloggen [2/?]

The gang gathered at the Magic Box to brainstorm. Jemima must be saved from the mindless electron-slaughter of this “blog war” at all costs, so that she could return to her peacetime occupation of writing Buffy fic. Anya was especially anxious to eliminate the demonic threat of Lori and Seema - she’d heard about Jemima’s prediliction for wedding-fic, and she figured no cold feet of Xander’s could stand against the great Victorian fanfic writer in the sky. Even Spike, usually too surly for this sort of Scoobie do-good project, was willing to help a writer who never, ever, under any circumstances, allowed the poofboy into her fic.

Buffy, however, splashed cold water on their plans. “From what Xander has told us about this ‘blog war’,” she said, “Lori and Seema are just average human beings. I can’t go over there and stake them. I only do demons.”

“We know that, luv,” Spike said. Buffy glared at him.

Anya found the enemy sufficiently demonic. “They’re obsessed with cheesy TV programs that were never all that popular and now seem to be”–she paused dramatically and whispered–“off the air.” The Scoobies gave a collective gasp.

“Maybe we can have Lori and Seema committed,” Dawn suggested. “Buffy knows plenty of people over at Social Services.”

“I’m the Vampire Slayer, not the Blog Warrior. I say we let Jemima and William James handle this on their own.”

“William James is dead, luv,” Spike reminded her.

“As if that ever stopped anyone around here.”

Willow cleared her throat. “I think this blog war may be your kind of thingy after all, Buffy.” She flipped open one of Giles’ dustiest old magic tomes to the section on blogs. “It says right here: ‘In the last days, the Two Horsewomen of the Apocalypse will appear, their bright eyes of indeterminate hue flashing, and their posts flaming, to bring an end to all blogs. And their names shall be called Libel and Slander.’” Willow shut the book, looking quite pleased with herself. “Get it? Libel and Slander - Lori and Seema! They’re bringing on the Blog Apocalypse.”

“We have to stop it!” Anya added.

“Why?” Spike asked.

“Because that’s what we do,” Buffy replied. “We stop Armageddon.”

“No armageddony stuff on her watch,” Willow echoed.

My lovely sister Veronica has been chiding me for getting behind on the Demon Casablanca Blog. War is hell, sibling unit… Nevertheless, I’ve added the newest two links, though I haven’t read them myself. Sigh.

Seema fixed the blog (but not her archives, apparently), and Lori is contemplating. I have Blog War Subway Fic forthcoming, as soon as I can get it typed up…

Armabloggen

“Spike! Spike!”–a pause, in which the object of such outcries dared not hope his pursuer had left the upper level of his crypt–”Spike!”

The vampire in question climbed halfway up the ladder, bleached-blond head-first. His visitor was unlikely to get a warm welcome from his room-temperature host. “Bloody ‘ell, Harris, can’t you see we’re shagging down here?”

“You were not ’shagging’ Buffy,” Xander replied.

“Why not?” Spike demanded. “Because I’m a demon? Because I have no soul? Because I’m not dark, bulky and brooding like poof-boy?”

“No,” Xander said slowly and clearly, “because this is Jemima’s blog. There’s no shagging allowed.”

“Then where do young bloggers come from?” Spike asked, curious despite himself.

“They lure them in with candy.”

Spike nodded sagely. “Like the Shakers…”

“The who?”

“Never mind, monkey-boy. Say whatever you came to say and let me and the Slayer get back to…patrolling.”

Xander cleared his throat. “It seems Jemima has a little problem on her hands.”

“And that would be…?”

“Lori and Seema, Blog War Criminals.”

Before this goes any further…

Seema, you must fix your blog links. Now. Open your blog template. See the bit that says <a name=”<$BlogItemNumber$>”> </a> ? That has to go before <$BlogItemBody$>. Republish all your archives, too, please, so we can get back to the serious business of conscription and blood-taxes.

I’ve been a dazed and confuzed non-combatant in the Great Blog War for some time now, but you know I can’t let a good debate lie. So I jumped into the Switzerland Blogback Skirmish and now suddenly I’m all over Seema’s and Lori’s blogs. The Blog War to End All Blog War has taught me one thing - you can link directly to a blogback. My blogging-back rant still stands, but it’s nice to know I don’t have to extract my offensive William James quote and requote it here. It’s nice to know that I do so solely for the sake of violating the Khitomer Accords one more time:

I was very pleased to see that T’Pol has her own poolboy. Lovely little war, this… And Seema was kind enough to assemble the links for me, or steal them from Lori, more likely:

On the Jemima’s Trek side, I posted DQ Babes in the Mirror-Mirror Universe, my award-losing J/P fic, to ASC. (It seems to be open repost season in there. I feel a huge awards brouhaha coming on.) Fortunately, someone here at Jemima’s Trek has fans and minions: Jade won third place in the Purple Comet Coda Contest for Bygones. Congratulations, Jade!

Title in honor of the new year, Marvin the Paranoid Android-style.

After much, much, much wrestling, the blog seems to be fully functional in its new home. Prohosting is still omitting the archive links and corrupting the files, perhaps while serving them, which is something there’s no fixing. Freeshell is back in DNS limbo, so I’ve hardwired the IP addy in some places. That explains the very odd location bar readings you may be receiving. Sigh.

On the bright side, Jade has a brand new story up, Second Epiphany, and the favicon is definitely working. Bookmark this page in IE (for Windows) and you’ll see it.

Don’t panic - it may not be as yellow, but it’s still Jemima’s Trek. My previous homepage was too yellow and Trekky for my new, multifandom feng shui. This one isn’t sufficiently branded yet, but a chevron or two should fix that. Tomorrow.

The move almost went well. Blogspot is doing the secret redirect… mwhahahaha! I think I’ve ironed out all the technical difficulties at freeshell, but prohosting is another matter. Maybe a base href will clear up the problems there. And the archives keep disappearing, but that’s just blogger.

In my never-ending quest to be more like Liz, I’m moving the blog to my home page. If all goes well, you should be redirected there automatically. If all doesn’t go well, I must have backups around here somewhere…

“First she’s a perfectly normal girl, then POOF . . . she’s a rat.”

I made a membership button, even though I’m not really a clique:

If it doesn’t show up, you can see it on the Buffybot Memorial Fic Page.